I’ve never really seen a change in year as a big thing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a great opportunity to spend time with those you love and have one too many to drink as you see through the new year. Then, the next day is just another day, but with a different number on the end. That’s the way I’ve always seen it, but this time it’s different.
Whether you know me personally or have followed my blog since September, it’s not really a secret that the past year has been a struggle, quite possibly the hardest year of my life. I have faced demons from my past that I managed to bury very well, I have questioned every little detail about my life and my mental health became so turbulent that I scared myself with the thoughts I was having. So, to put it lightly, I was really fucking excited to get this year out of the way.
I could spend my time bullet pointing everything that went wrong this year but I don’t want to. I’ve spent most of my time writing about the demons, the bad stuff, the really shitty experiences I’ve had this year and if you want to, it’s all there to read. Yes, it’s good to talk and get your feelings out there but again, have I ever told you guys about all the amazing things that have happened this year? All the things that have made me drag myself through, the positive side to a pretty turbulent life. Because, despite it all, I’m pretty damn lucky to still be walking this earth. So, instead of bullet pointing the bad, I’m going to bullet point the really good.
· I finally left my job at Starbucks, spread my wings and flew away from the nest that was ‘being a Barista’. I worked in coffee shops since I was 17 and not long after my 23rd birthday, enough was enough. It took balls, I have to admit, leaving the comfort of a job that I knew I was good at. But I wasn’t happy there anymore, the store changed and I realised that I was bored of getting up at 5:30 and not getting home until 10pm. I was bored of shift work, arsehole customers and working with what seemed like pre-pubescent imbeciles. I wanted to adult properly. Get myself a Mon-Fri 9-5 job and not just for me, for my partner and his kids. I was getting really sad about not spending enough time with them on top of it all. So, on March 13th, I hung up my apron and got myself behind a computer in my new job in May. What seems like ‘just an office job’, working where I do now gives me the freedom I need to live a little more. It’s not my dream job at all but it’s good. For now.
· I moved in with Burnie. Well, officially. After almost a year of being a ‘permanent lodger’ in his home, myself and Burnie decided to do it properly after being together for a year and a half. It felt really nice to make the next step in our relationship and to actually have more responsibility(?!) A home that became my nest and the only place I was really happy, became mine. Name on the lease and everything. I haven’t actually lived at my childhood home since I was 19 but this was the first ‘proper’ adult move I did and it’s been better than I ever expected. Living in our own place and sharing everyday with each other has been a dream. Yes, arguments come and go about the maintenance on the house and getting used to each other’s way of living but after almost a year, living with Burnie is my favourite thing in the world. The house becoming a home to 4 little monkeys on a weekend is something I will never get bored of. As well as that, I’ve proven to myself that I actually can be a proper adult, despite being stuck in my student ways for 3 years. Nothing beats the feeling I get when we get post addressed to us both or buy a brand-new bottle of fabric softener.
· Summer was lovely. I had almost two weeks off work and spent the time with my other half and his family. Cue 5 adults and 6 kids camping for 8 nights in Whitby. Myself, Burnie, his 4 kids, his sister and her husband with their 2 children and his Mum. What might sound like a nightmare for most people, it really wasn’t. Exploring Whitby, waking up at 6:30 to watch the sunrise over the see, staying up until 11:30 watching the stars in the sky, spending days at the beach, going fishing (or attempting to!). It really was a bloody good time. Even though I had serious holiday blues when we came home and had to say goodbye to the kids, myself and Burnie weren’t back for even 24 hours before we set off to celebrate our 2-year anniversary in the Yorkshire Dales. We spent 3 days climbing Malham Cove, walking through Ingleton Waterfalls and trawling through caves. Going on adventures is something me and Burnie have always loved to do, way before we even knew each other so it was perfect. We ate lovely food and spent so much quality time together and it really made me appreciate just how beautiful my hometown is. And, above all else, I felt like I had completely fallen in love with Burnie all over again. Yeah, summer was incredible.
· After what seemed like a lifetime, I finally got the phone call I wanted. I finally got the help I needed. After months of going backwards and forwards, doctor to doctor; I received psychotherapy. Just knowing that I finally had access to some sort of help was a big deal for me. It’s taken me so long to accept that there WAS something wrong and once I did, I reached out. Help didn’t come straight away and I waited by the phone every single day in the hope that my call would come through. It did, and I’m attending my 10th appointment next week. Therapy has been a huge rollercoaster to say the least. I’ve discovered things about myself that I never knew and it’s been quite the experience. So much so, I think I’m going to write about my therapy experience in more detail when I’ve finished my sessions.
· Christmas was amazing. I finally work a job where it doesn’t completely take over your like during the Christmas holidays and it was bliss. It was my first Christmas in our own home and the first time I spent it when Burnie and his children. It was magical, exciting and so full of love that I could feel myself bursting all day. On top of that, I managed to see and deliver presents to ALL the children in my family. Although exhausting – and no possible in just one day - Christmas this year reminded me what the holiday is about and I feel so lucky to have spent it with those I love the most. I’d go as far as saying it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had.
You see, when I write all this down, it is quite uplifting to remind myself of all the good stuff that happened in 2017 and it helps me forget just how difficult it was. 2017 has tested me, pushed me to the limit and dragged me to the edge. I’ve had great times and the worst times but I know with all my heart that I couldn’t have got here by myself. So, to carry on the uplifting spirit of this post (look at me having a change of mood for once) – here are the recipients of my ‘Thank you for being you - for me – in 2017’ Awards….
Abbie – Almost 6 years of you being in my life and you are still the pillar of strength I need when no-one else seems to make sense. Even though you’ve fought your way through this year yourself, you didn’t bat an eyelid when I needed you. I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve got through this year and even though we may be far away from each other now, you will always be my best friend. I love you so much, Abfab. Thank you for always being there. You da best.
Lauren – You brought me back down to earth every time I felt like I was going crazy. You’ve given sound advice of every nature and made me realise that sometimes, I just need to calm down. You’re an absolute gem, Lauren. Thank you for putting up with me for 8 years.
Kate – Whenever my phone lights up and I see a message from you, I know you’re checking in. Those messages have been the highlight of my days when I was in my darkest moments. You said you didn’t want to bother me, what you didn’t know is that your messages of support and encouragement meant the absolute world to me. You get me inside out, man. You never judge and you’re the most understanding lady in the world. Bloody love ya.
Channelle – Ah! You make me laugh like no other. And that’s the main reason why you’ve been a godsend this year. Without even realising it, you’ve cheered me up with your quips and mishaps. You’re an inspiration to all those who want to achieve, thank you for listening and laughing.
Tom – The true definition of a brother. We argue, fight and say things we don’t mean. We stand up for each other and stick my each other. We laugh together, we cry together, we protect each other. Thank you for constantly reminding me just what a brother should be. There’s nobody else better for the job than you.
Jess – Whenever I needed you, you were there (no matter how many times/whatever time of day). You’ve always been there for me and you’ve been my constant backbone since I can remember. Whether I needed to scream, shout, cry, laugh or just had a good drink, you’ve been there. Everyone needs a Jess in their lives, and I’m pretty damn lucky to have you. Biologically my cousin, sister by choice.
Debs – Your messages of encouragement and understanding throughout the tough times hit me right in the heart. I never would have expected you to go out of your way to do any of it – you really are one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met. I really do look up to you and I’m really grateful that you all have accepted me into the family.
*DISCLAIMER* If you hate soppy relationship jargon then just scroll past this one really quickly. But, I’ve saved the best for last.
Andrew ‘Burnie’ Byrne – Oh man, you have my whole entire heart. Words could never really do justice to just how much you’ve saved me this year. You’ve been by my side every single step, held my hand throughout and spoken for me when it just got too difficult. You’ve picked me up when I’ve fallen and shown me just what love it. You’ve stayed when I said you should go, you’ve told me I’m brave when I felt weak, you’ve told me I’m beautiful when I’ve felt ugly. You’ve been with me throughout it all. The doctors appointments, the therapy, the panic attacks, the police investigations, the confrontations, the conversations until the early hours, the tears and the heartache. I know, 100%, that I wouldn’t have made it through this year in one piece if it wasn’t for you. You’ve been my encouragement, my laughter, my light on the darkest days. And above all of that, not once have I asked anything of you, you did it all without question and that shows me just how special you are. You are so special and you just don’t see it but I promise you that I am going to spend the rest of my life proving it to you. You are my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. I count my lucky stars everyday knowing that you are the one I’m spending my life with. You are the one who reminded me to breathe and I’m forever thankful for everything. It will never go unnoticed. I love you so much, Andrew. More than you’ll ever know.
2017 taught me so much, so much about myself that I never knew. It beat me down until I couldn’t walk, spat on me until I stood back up. But, I got back up. I found the strength in me to fight back. I’ve never worked so hard for anything but I needed my life back, or at least some of it. With the help of all the above people and many more, I got back up. I won’t let the events of 2017 – or any other year before – to affect who I am. I won’t let my past ruin the amazing future I know is ahead of me. I’m not going to make any promises to myself going forward, only to spread love. Use the bad times to spread love amongst those who deserve it. For them, I will love harder, laugh louder and one day, be back to my old self. I’m not there yet, who knows when I will be, but she’s definitely on her way.
Thank you so much for all the love and support my blog has received these past few months. I’ve been truly overwhelmed by it all. I’ve received messages of support from so many of you – old friends, new friends, old teachers, those I never expected to hear from and complete strangers. I really hope you guys stick with me on this journey to recovery and beyond – I promise I won’t become a stranger again. Writing has been my therapy too.
I hope you all have a 2018 filled with love and happiness.
All my love, Melissa x
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