At 9:00 this morning, my sick note ran out. I have spent the past few days gearing myself up to get back into work. Get back into the swing of things, get back to some form of normality... In total, I have had 4 weeks of work so far. 4 weeks of trying to get my act together and really push myself to go back. I had told myself time and time again over the past week that I was ready. I was ready, capable and completely sure of my capabilities. It turns out, I was lying to myself. It's 13:22 on Monday, I'm sat in my living room with a coffee and meaningless daytime TV on in the background and I have never felt more like a failure in my whole life. The one main thing I wanted to achieve, I haven't. I didn't go back to work today.
As stated in my previous post, I've had a pretty rough few weeks which has resulted in me taking time off work. It's not something I've ever had to do and it didn't sit right with me that I wasn't working. I've been in work ever since I was 15 years old. Don't get me wrong, you're pretty damn lucky these days to be in a job you love, but having a job in the first place is a pretty big deal. Unemployment is something that I'm sure every single person will experience in their lifetime, I for one can vouch for that. So, when I was advised to have this time off, I decided to see it as a period of time where I can rest, get myself back on track and essentially, get my shit together. My work has been nothing but supportive towards me since my time off and they've shown a great deal of understanding that I have never experienced in a work place before. Granted, I've only been at this job for 6 months now, but they've made me feel welcome and understood. But now, I'm scared that my anxiety is going to make me lose something else. My employment status.
Last night, I had another episode. I've named these moments because it's my way of detaching myself to the events that happen. When I have one of these 'episodes', I can be an absolute nightmare. All that goes through my head is 'everyone is better off without you in their life, so you need to leave'. I get myself into such a state that I become completely hysterical and have an overwhelming feeling that I just need to run. Run away from everything because that's the best way to deal with things, right? Well, no it's not. But like I say, I'm not myself when they happen. I've recently started to become aggressive too which actually terrifies me. I've broken doors, punched walls and completely screamed the place down. The one thing that scares me more than anything is that my anxiety has the capability to do this to me, it can take complete control to the point where anything that anyone is saying to me is complete white noise. It started at 19:34 with a horrible feeling that I was only hindering the lives of those I love and ended at 1:24 this morning when I finally settled into bed and went to sleep. Without Burnie and my cousin, I have no clue how last night would've ended and I would just like to reiterate just how bloody lucky I am to have such a strong support system in my partner, family and friends.
I woke up this morning at 7:04 with a complete sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. I messaged my manager and explained to her that I couldn't. I can't. Again, she was completely understanding and we've arranged for her to come over and see me. But let me tell you, I have never felt so disappointed in myself. I was so close to going back, to getting back another piece of normality to aid me on my road to recovery. And I failed. Now, I don't want anyone's pity, I know that the only person in control of my destiny is myself and because of that, the only person I have to blame is myself. Yeah, some might think I'm being way too crtitical and yeah, maybe you're right. But this was my main goal for today. Get up, shower, make breakfast, get ready, go to work, come home, cook tea, watch TV, go to bed and repeat. It was my personal goal and I couldn't do it.
I don't know when I will go to work. I don't know if my job is safe. I don't know how I'm going to get to the point where I can get back to being myself again. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know if I'm ever going to get to a point in my life where my anxiety doesn't take complete control over my actions. That and all of the above, terrifies me. I want to beat this, I want my future to be happy, carefree and be in control of my mindset. I want to be able to work. I want to be able to go one single fucking day without my anxiety crippling me. I want to be able to take that one step forward without taking five steps back. I know one day it will come, I know that. When, I don't know, but despite everything, I can't lose hope. That will never be an option for me.
It's 14:04 and I haven't gone to work today.
M x
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