A lot can happen in one week. I know that now more than ever. In last weeks post, I wrote about how I still didn't make it into work and I was still waiting to hear from anyone about receiving any sort of help. I know things now that I didn't know last week and I'm more aware of who is there for support and who is there just to bring me down. A lot can happen in one week.
After publishing my most recent post, I had just come back from the doctors and received another sick note for two weeks which included a 'phased return'. This basically meant that my Dr knew I wasn't still 100% but I did want to make that move to start getting back, so she suggested starting on less hours and building my way up. As well as this, she re-referred me to the mental health services because she wasn't happy with the fact that I had just been abandoned essentially. We'd still not heard anything from anyone for nearly 4 weeks. After the appointment, I felt drained almost(?) I expected to feel optimistic about returning to work and being brought to the attention of the mental health team again, and yet, I felt drained, empty. Looking back, I still don't know why the idea didn't fill me with hope. In all honesty, I was just having one of those days, and that's OK.
The day after, I was woken up by a phone call. An unknown number. I was told by my Dr to keep an eye out for these as it indicates that it's the NHS. Tired, dazed and rough as hell, I answered the phone to hear a woman tell me she was from the IAPT service for mental health and she had a free space for therapy. Would I be free to start on Monday? I sat bolt upright in my bed and went silent. I had no idea what to say, do or think, I was just so shocked. After saying my name a few times, I came to and was eventually able to tell her that I would take any appointment at any time. We arranged for Monday 9th October. Today. After the phone call, I sat in my bed for about 10 minutes just staring into space, trying to process what just happened. I finally got the phone call I've been waiting months, years, for. My therapy was to start on Monday. After bringing myself round from the shock of how quickly my re-referral went through, I started telling every single loved one in my life. I immediately messaged my boyfriend, Burnie, then my Mum, my Dad, my friends. Everyone was so so happy for me and that made me come back down to earth - or in a way, let the fairies take me - and realise that yeah, this is amazing news. This was the start of my journey back to the person I've always wanted to be. To say I was on cloud nine is the understatement of the year. I felt so optimistic and positive and I was so bloody grateful to be surrounded by so much love and support. But, then again, life always kicks you in the face and that very same day, I went to the lowest I'd felt about my capabilities in a long time.
In life, there's always curve balls. They can form themselves as lifestyle changes which are completely unpredictable and spontaneous but unfortunately, they can form themselves into people. Don't get me wrong, I'm the first to understand that there is a lot of naivety that surrounds mental health, I was naive about it myself when I first realised that something wasn't quite right. But unfortunately, it can be used against you, used as a reason to point out your flaws and how you're incapable of being the best you can for those you love. It wasn't first time that a lack of understanding of who I am and what my illness is has bitten me in the arse. I had it been used as ammunition against me - an unarmed target - and I'm pretty damn sure it won't be the last. But, it still hurts, and it always will. The whole point of this 'section', is to make it known that no matter how high you are up on that cloud, there is always the potential for something/someone to burst your bubble and send you plummeting right back down. But, believe me, you cannot let it win. I'll make damn sure that whatever curveballs come my way, I'll have a pretty good swing to knock them out again, with a huge support system cheering me on along the way. When your own mental illness is used against you, it makes you question everything you do. You question how you act, how you care and how you love. You've gotta look past that, you have to, because if you don't, them negative thoughts will consume you and bring you right back to square one. Despite the huge potential knock back, I've come through again with the love by my side and the reassurance that I am really trying.
It's Monday the 9th of October. This morning, I completed my second shift back at work and attended my very first counselling session this afternoon. Last Monday, I was sat at home in a bubble of complete despair and wondering if things were ever going to go back to 'normal', whatever that is. Work have welcomed me back with open arms and a great deal of understanding. My therapist seems like a really lovely woman and even though I felt exhausted after, I felt it work in some way. I'll be the first to say that I've still got a HELL of a long way to go, but it's something isn't it? I'm slowly getting back into being full-time at work and my weekly appointments with my therapist is a great thing to look forward to every week, something to pull me through my hard times because my help isn't months away, it's only next week..
Progress is everything. Progress is something that takes time and effort and a true knowledge that not everything we get in life is going to come easy. But everything in life will come to you if you're willing to work hard enough to bat away those curve balls and work towards your future, your life. Understanding is everything. Understanding how your own mind works, how others will never see things the way you do and how sometimes, you will find someone who knows how your mind works better than you do. Those are the people you need in your life.
I just want to say a huge, HUGE thank you to everyone who has shown an interest in my blog. I've been doing this for 3 weeks now and I've received over 1,000 views and countless messages of support and love from friends, strangers, and people who I'd never would've expected to reach out to. This blog is helping me more than anyone will ever know and to know that it's helping some of you means even more than that. So, thank you so much.
Who knows what post will be coming your way next Monday, but I would love to hear from you if there's anything you want to see. Your input is just as important, you're the ones reading after all!
Until then, M x
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